Which daughter will show up? I have two daughters, but that isn't what I mean. Our five year old daughter that was diagnosed with autism years ago is very inconsistent. She is a rock star on some days. She is engaged, organized, related and present. On other days, she is really off. She frustrates easily, is rigid, self-absorbed, lethargic and generally disorganized. My mood fluctuates tremendously depending upon her day.
When I was in my late 20's and early 30's I attended yoga class almost daily. I was addicted to the calm within myself that yoga helped me access. Even before autism, I struggled with issues of anxiety and depression. Yoga was my Prozac. I tried Prozac; by the way, it just didn't do anything for me. My consistent yoga practice cured me (yes, literally) of all anxiety and depression. That isn't to say I didn't eat a proverbial ice cream sundae when something at work went wrong, but over all, I didn't struggle with anxiety and depression so long as I did yoga DAILY.
The dailyness (is that a word?) of my yoga practice was the key. The instructor used to say annoying but oh so challenging things like urging us not to swat a fly perched on my arm or asked us not to think about getting a pedicure while engaged in a pose. Some days I was able to stay present in the pose and lose the thoughts. Other days I was obsessed with the chipped polish on my big toe.
I realize that my every day now is reactionary. I have no equanimity. I'm swatting flies every second of every hour. It's all a big chipped toenail these days. How can I find my calm when there is no time for daily yoga?
I know yoga is my answer, and I can't get there. Maybe I could get there once or twice a week if I negotiate really hard with my husband and sacrifice some precious sleep. But, the idea of getting there daily seems impossible at the moment. Once or twice a week isn't going to help me with calm.
Hmmmmm....namaste.
Thank you for your insightful words on what it's like, as a mom of an autistic child, to face the challenge of staying present in the moment.
When everything around you is in a state of chaos, it's "all a big chipped toenail."
Your writing is wonderful, and even though I am not a mother of a special needs child (my 8-yr-old nephew has autism, but it's not the same thing), you pulled your readers into your world and allowed us to see the reality of struggling, daily, for precious 'alone' time.
Maureen Lee
www.ideal-way.blogspot.com
Posted by: Maureen Lee | August 06, 2008 at 05:29 AM
i relate to your issue of everdayness being difficult to manage. i'll share something with you that helps me. if i even get to do my tai chi warm up exercises, i consider myself to have done something towards reaching my goal of daily practice. for you that might mean breathing deeply in the present and letting that be your connection to the no thought zone.(also known as happy place)
baby steps work for us too mom. love, jen
Posted by: jenny culver hill | June 16, 2009 at 04:37 PM