Finding Calmness in this Storm...

Which daughter will show up?  I have two daughters, but that isn't what I mean.  Our five year old daughter that was diagnosed with autism years ago is very inconsistent.  She is a rock star on some days.  She is engaged, organized, related and present.  On other days, she is really off.  She frustrates easily, is rigid, self-absorbed, lethargic and generally disorganized.  My mood fluctuates tremendously depending upon her day.

When I was in my late 20's and early 30's I attended yoga class almost daily.  I was addicted to the calm within myself that yoga helped me access.  Even before autism, I struggled with issues of anxiety and depression.  Yoga was my Prozac.  I tried Prozac; by the way, it just didn't do anything for me.  My consistent yoga practice cured me (yes, literally) of all anxiety and depression.  That isn't to say I didn't eat a proverbial ice cream sundae when something at work went wrong, but over all, I didn't struggle with anxiety and depression so long as I did yoga DAILY.

The dailyness (is that a word?) of my yoga practice was the key.  The instructor used to say annoying but oh so challenging things like urging us not to swat a fly perched on my arm or asked us not to think about getting a pedicure while engaged in a pose.  Some days I was able to stay present in the pose and lose the thoughts.  Other days I was obsessed with the chipped polish on my big toe. 

I realize that my every day now is reactionary.  I have no equanimity.  I'm swatting flies every second of every hour.  It's all a big chipped toenail these days.  How can I find my calm when there is no time for daily yoga?

I know yoga is my answer, and I can't get there.  Maybe I could get there once or twice a week if I negotiate really hard with my husband and sacrifice some precious sleep.  But, the idea of getting there daily seems impossible at the moment.  Once or twice a week isn't going to help me with calm.

Hmmmmm....namaste.